Envy? Yes.
Now and then I hear from someone about how well they are doing in life. I am mostly ok. Most of the times, I don't envy anyone. I learnt very early in life (thanks to my elder sister) that in any exam, there are 100 marks kept for you. These 100 marks are yours and no matter how hard someone else studies or is seemingly better than you- nobody can take the 100 marks from you. This thinking has fuelled a lot of what I do in my life. I understood that I am on a unique path, that my aims and ambitions are mine and whatever effort I put in my work is my own. Nobody can really affect it. This is a very neoliberal thought- neoliberalism is highly individualistic. However, I am individualistic in the sense that I do not want to compete with others while neoliberalism is individualistic in its competition. Anyway, I digressed.
However, when I was low in my career, which is soon after I got married and until I joined UCL, I did look at others and wondered 'mera time kab aayega'. I am also human and no matter how hard I try not to give into feelings of dejection, I have my days.
On women's day, I wrote a post on how I have an idea of starting a school or a gender think tank. The other day, I was gripped with a little bit of anxiety because I realised that whichever path I might take, I need to start planning and working on it. I did a little bit of talking and reflection and conducted a thought exercise. I imagined the entire process of starting a school- right from returning to India, going and speaking to a few people, assessing how much money I have and need, imagining the kind of space I would like to use, how many children will I rightfully have, the way to get teachers and so forth. I thought deeply about everything. It helped me, in the sense that some things got clear- that I can start a kindergarten and then slowly move towards a full-fledged private school. There were plenty of questions surrounding that too- how would I transition from a kindergarten to a private school- in terms of the capital? Starting a school in India, is really not easy unless one is flushed with funds. I am definitely not one of those people.
I feel very drawn to the idea of a gender and education think tank, to be honest. I feel like I will get to do everything that I want in my life. I will get to work with children, have a small office (and hopefully run a kindergarten in the office), write books, write for magazines and do the kind of research that I am interested in. This thought crossed my mind today when I was cleaning the kitchen sink today. I wondered if I would be happy teaching chemistry to children- I won't. However, do I know everything about gender and education? I know nothing about posthumanism, I don't know about the various theoretical frameworks, I feel like I don't understand social injustice and gender as well- to start a think tank. Then, as someone who is so shaky, do I think I will be able to be a leader in this field? I guess I am really discounting the fact that I can learn on the job. That I will get better by doing. That after all, despite both being challenging, a gender think tank is simpler.
Maybe the answer is obvious and I am yet to see it. Or that I see it and I am asking myself to look elsewhere.
And one more thing before I end, I feel the most envious when I have no purpose. Maybe, I have found it?
However, when I was low in my career, which is soon after I got married and until I joined UCL, I did look at others and wondered 'mera time kab aayega'. I am also human and no matter how hard I try not to give into feelings of dejection, I have my days.
On women's day, I wrote a post on how I have an idea of starting a school or a gender think tank. The other day, I was gripped with a little bit of anxiety because I realised that whichever path I might take, I need to start planning and working on it. I did a little bit of talking and reflection and conducted a thought exercise. I imagined the entire process of starting a school- right from returning to India, going and speaking to a few people, assessing how much money I have and need, imagining the kind of space I would like to use, how many children will I rightfully have, the way to get teachers and so forth. I thought deeply about everything. It helped me, in the sense that some things got clear- that I can start a kindergarten and then slowly move towards a full-fledged private school. There were plenty of questions surrounding that too- how would I transition from a kindergarten to a private school- in terms of the capital? Starting a school in India, is really not easy unless one is flushed with funds. I am definitely not one of those people.
I feel very drawn to the idea of a gender and education think tank, to be honest. I feel like I will get to do everything that I want in my life. I will get to work with children, have a small office (and hopefully run a kindergarten in the office), write books, write for magazines and do the kind of research that I am interested in. This thought crossed my mind today when I was cleaning the kitchen sink today. I wondered if I would be happy teaching chemistry to children- I won't. However, do I know everything about gender and education? I know nothing about posthumanism, I don't know about the various theoretical frameworks, I feel like I don't understand social injustice and gender as well- to start a think tank. Then, as someone who is so shaky, do I think I will be able to be a leader in this field? I guess I am really discounting the fact that I can learn on the job. That I will get better by doing. That after all, despite both being challenging, a gender think tank is simpler.
Maybe the answer is obvious and I am yet to see it. Or that I see it and I am asking myself to look elsewhere.
And one more thing before I end, I feel the most envious when I have no purpose. Maybe, I have found it?
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