Musings

I have not been writing, but thinking: 

1.       I have met girls who scream for attention- by hook or by crook. I am not really judgmental, but I do wonder how they do it. I find it very difficult to flirt with guys and I don’t like it when I appear flirtatious. But you know what I have discovered lately? Those who really want the attention, actually get it. I guess the reason why I am writing it here is because, somehow I am not very happy accepting this fact, because I feel that one can get attention even if one doesn’t ask for it. This is also how I have functioned all my life. 

2.       I went to school on Tuesday. I was really really happy to be there. The kids were totally surprised because they didn’t know I was going to be there. I love my kids so much, that I don’t see them doing anything wrong anymore. I hope I am not totally blind though. 

3.       The teacher who is teaching my kids has come up with a new investment plan. Stuck behind the door is a small computer print out that says that the reward for reaching the End of Year Goal is INR 200. I was appalled. Clearly, he doesn’t expect Dhanraj, who is rumoured to be smoking-drinking-stealing money, to reach his goal. This investment plan reminds me of the cash for votes scandal that took place in India a few years ago. How wrong can people be? Ok, how can people be such idiots? But really, for all other things, I like this guy who is teaching my kids. They were studying Algebra in class, and I was very proud of them. 

4.       I sent out my first email appeal for support to my network. I have got a few people who have come forward to help monetarily and I am a bit worried. In my experience, every email has a life span. If it doesn’t get passed around within a time frame or is not replied to, it dies out. If you really ask me if I am worried, I will say no. That one school which I want to build- is happening. No matter what. 

5.       I have been feeling quite alone lately. I have also been feeling quite lazy. Yes, you put two and two together and there is not much to say!

6.       I have realized that we invite people to be a part of our lives only when we are really proud and see ourselves as being valuable. That’s one reason why not many of my friends have visited me at my current workplace. I feel like a cog in the wheel. Totally inconsequential. 

7.       In the movie, Guru, which is a movie made on the life of Late Dhirubhai Ambani the industrialist- it is shown how the upper class traders and businessmen did everything to suppress him. He was left undeterred and today we have Reliance. Today, I feel the same. Surprisingly, in the development sector, where what each one of us does is not enough. It would have been shocking if it were not that sad. 

8.       I thought of VM teaching a class while we were teachers. He told the kids that there are only three kinds of weather in Mumbai- hot, hotter and hottest. The kids laughed. And I asked him what was there in Delhi. He said very proudly, Summer, Monsoon, Winter, Autumn and Spring. I gave him the benefit of the doubt. Also every person has the right to glorify their own city. Today, while I looked out of the window, I saw the tree outside has got new tender light green shoots. I immediately thought- spring! And that someone is wrong :)

9.       I am reading Maximum City by Suketu Mehta. I don’t exactly hate Mumbai when I am standing at Dadar station for the crowd to get out through the narrow bridges which are completely incapable of accommodating so many people, or when the ticket examiners only come to the first class compartment to check if we have our tickets, or when the auto drivers are almost always fleecing and I have decided to stop fighting. I just realize that this city is not for me. There is really no hope for this city. Really. 

10.   My mother has been recovering well and my older sister has gone to meet her friends in Banglore. My friend who got married recently and moved to Australia has sent me pictures of her life there. The kids I have been teaching have really gotten serious about the scholarship exam and I realized, last night, as I was just falling asleep, all their faces flashed in front of my eyes and I prayed for them. I really underestimate my capacity to love. I have been happy or I have been recognizing nature’s attempts at keeping me happy!