Phew!

I am tired.

It has been about four or five months since I have got this new life and I have been so completely immersed in it that I have not paid attention to how drained I am. The realization came to me about two weeks ago. There was so much to do that I would just go off to sleep. I would stare at my ‘to do’ list and just fail at checking off anything, as I wouldn’t be able to finish anything.

I then took a break. I lived for the day. I worked only how much was needed and postponed everything else to the nearest weekend. Once the weekend was around, I sat down and finished everything that had accumulated. It was getting better, until one morning, Mum said she needs to go to the hospital. No child wants to hear this. Trust me. I asked her what happened and she said she has been getting tired. I said ok. I tried so hard to be ok.

I left for school and later saw there were five calls which I had missed, from my older sister. I panicked. On calling back, my sister told me that blood was not reaching my mother’s heart. A few hours later, mum got an angiogram done and a few more hours later an angioplasty was done. I am supposed to be happy about the fact that things were done before they could be irreparable, but then... I did not want this for my mother. Nobody wants this, I know... She is fine now. She is home and resting. Happy. At least it seems so.

Now I am worried about her. I have the phone always by my side as I do not want to miss any more calls.

This incident has made me rethink about everything. Some choices I would have made before without even thinking about someone else is now made after thinking about family. Some options are not even considered.

A few months ago, I had this thought. I need to make myself stronger. I need to face loss. I have to slowly prepare myself to face grief. Real grief. I always postponed it. Now I have to start. This is one item on my list that just has to get checked.

Other than this, it is advent. Christmas will be around soon. I need a holiday but I cannot take one. Colleagues are going home for a break and I know I will be taking classes for my kids. I do not want to crib about this, but the truth is I do not want to regret not taking classes. I often wonder how some people lead the kind of lives they are leading. How do they take up jobs that do not pay them enough? How do they work for 14 hours straight and still have a great family life? How are so many things possible for them?

This is also the season of weddings. Friends are getting married.

Now this is something, I cannot even consider getting worried about.